


The Curse of Curves

by idkspookystuff



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid, Genderfluid Dan, Genderqueer Character, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Making Out, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-24 08:39:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4912696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idkspookystuff/pseuds/idkspookystuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Dan Howell. You run a successful YouTube channel, live with Phil Lester, and you're genderqueer. Here is the story of your life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Curse of Curves

**Author's Note:**

> Soz for the cheesy description omg.  
> I cannot believe that I'm posting this already! Thanks so much to the [PBB3](http://phandombigbang.tumblr.com) for running this awesome event year after year. My beta [cloakativelys](http://cloakativelys.tumblr.com/) for dealing with the first fic I've ever written in 2nd person, my artist [sasha](http://sashasayshelloo.tumblr.com/) for somehow understanding what I wrote and doing it in art form. (Art TBA)  
> And of course, my heterosexual holiday roommate [Josie](http://allthechildren-rise.tumblr.com), who, in her own words, "didn't do shit." Love you <3  
> Also if you like me and want to follow me on the interwebs, my tumblr is [theaterkidlester](http://theaterkidlester.tumblr.com). (I write prompts about these two idiots on the daily)  
> Enjoy!  
> -Phil

The first time you see him, he’s just moved in with his mum.

You’re five years old, and you’re tasked with the very, very important task of bringing cookies to his mum to welcome them to the neighborhood. Your mum says it’ll be good to get to know your new neighbors. You don’t hear her tell your dad that she’s just sending you there because she thinks it’ll be cute and leave a good impression, but that’s beside the point. Your mission is very important. So important that you’ve given yourself a code name. Agent 003. At age five, you think it’s a pretty snazzy code name.

You knock on his door and his mum answers. She seems like a nice lady, and she smiles at you from where she’s standing. “Hello,” She greets you, and then is silent. You take this as your cue to say something.

“My mum said to come give these to you!” Your words are slurred because in the gap in your front teeth, (you had recently lost a baby tooth and were awaiting a visit from the tooth fairy), but thankfully, his mum seems to understand.

“Thank you very much!” She said in the voice adults seemed to use when talking to kids your age. You don’t understand why adults use that voice when talking to you. You can understand them just as well when they use their regular, grown-up voices. “Actually, you should meet my son. I’m sure he’s around here somewhere. Phil?”

And that’s the first time you see him. His button-up shirt is buttoned wrong, his hair is a mess on his head and his shoes are untied. He smiles widely at you and his blue eyes sparkle. You’re almost certain you’ve never seen a blue so blue. He seems older than you and so you stand up taller and hold your hand out for him to shake like you see your dad do. “Hi,” you say, “I’m Dan.”

His smile grows ever wider then and he shakes your hand in a very grown-up way. “I’m Phil,” he says.

I

You’re hanging out in Phil’s bedroom, and you’re pretty sure the two of you have just become instant best friends.

His room is cool. He has one of those race car beds that you’ve always wanted, but your mum said was too impractical for a boy your age. Who cares what your mum says, you think in a way that is very defiant for your five year old brain. Phil’s race car bed is awesome.

“How old are you?” Phil asks, flopping down on his bed next to you.

“Five. I just turned five,” You say in a way that may be a little snooty, but that’s only because you’re very proud to be five. It’s a big milestone, your mum says. That means you’re growing up. “How old are you?”

“I’m eight,” Phil answers. So you were right. He is older than you. “And I’m very close to being nine.”

“When’s your birthday?”

“In January,” Phil says, his voice full of confidence.

You laugh because you can do math better than someone who’s a whole eight years old. “Your birthday’s not soon! It’s only July.”

“I know,” Phil answers, jumping off of his bed. He goes over to his toy box and starts rummaging through it. “But then it’ll be August and after August it’ll be September-”

“And then we’ll be back in school,” you answer. Even though you’re only five, you already know that school stinks. Summer break is a lot more awesome.

“I know,” he says, turning back to you for a second with his nose crumbled in a way you will later learn means distaste for him. Distaste is a big word you learned in reception. You learned a lot in reception. Your mum says you are a very smart boy. “But after September will be October and then November and then December and then January and January is awesome because it’s my birthday!” And you can’t dispute that logic. The way Phil says it really makes it seem like his birthday is very soon.

Even though you haven’t said anything against Phil, he turns to you and offers you a sword. “The only way to settle this,” he proclaims, slowly and epically, “Is with a duel.”

You giggle and take the sword he offers you. You note that it’s foam and not plastic like the swords your mum gives you. She says those are only for big boys. Phil’s mum must have never gotten the memo.

“You’re on,” You say, and then the two of you are fighting. Ultimately, you beat Phil. You will later think that he lets you win at things like this, but for now you’re five and you can’t imagine that someone would purposefully lose one of these things.

And so you two battle like this for a while, until Phil’s mum says that it’s time for supper. You beg her to let you stay, and so she calls your mum and your mum says you can stay as long as you get back by eight o’clock because that’s your bedtime. Phil says his bedtime is at nine o’clock and you think that Phil is very cool.

Phil’s mum makes chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. You think that the mac and cheese is really good, but Phil doesn’t eat any because he says that he doesn’t like cheese. You say that if Phil doesn’t like cheese you don’t like him, but you both know that’s a lie. By the time you run home, at seven o’clock so that your mum isn’t mad at you, you’re fairly certain that Phil is your best friend.

II

When school starts in September, you walk to the building with Phil. You’re in year one and he’s in year four. You think that it’s pretty cool to have a friend in year four, especially when your friend has a lunchbox as awesome as Phil’s. It has Spiderman on it. Your mum just gave you a boring brown bag. You make a mental note to talk her into getting a lunchbox as awesome as Phil’s.

School starts off pretty much okay, but at lunch there’s a group of kids bullying you just because you like answering the teacher’s questions and you’re nice to everyone and you really like Spiderman. They take you into the courtyard and start hitting you and so you start screaming, hoping one of the grown-ups or other kids in your year will notice, but none of the grown-ups are around and the kids in your year are either all afraid, indifferent, or in favor of you getting beat up.

“Hey!” Someone yells, and the voice is familiar but you’re so scared that you can’t place it. “Leave him alone.”

And just like that, the bullies drop you to the ground and run away. You realize it must be one of the kids from another year. All of the other kids in year one are afraid of the kids from the other years. “Are you okay?” The same voice asks, and you lift your head and you’re staring into the eyes of Phil, your best friend.

You know that it isn’t very grown-up of you, but you start to cry anyway because you’re so overwhelmed. Phil doesn’t call you a baby or anything though, and he just hugs you. Once you stop crying, Phil watches you stand and then grabs your hand and leads you to nurse. When you get there, the nurse tells you two not to hold hands. You both apologize and stop immediately, but you don’t understand why it’s a big deal.

III

You accompany Phil to his first day of secondary school.

It’s in another building, which means that your walk will be longer and you and Phil had to get up earlier, but it’s worth it because today’s a big day for your best friend. He’s eleven and you’re seven, and today’s your first day of third year. You’re a bit sad that Phil’s going to be in a different building, but you’re also really excited because you’re going to have a friend in secondary school and you think that’s really cool and grown-up of you.

When you get to the building, Phil turns to you and he says, “Dan, I’m extremely terrified.”

You pretend that you’re not scared that Phil’s going to be in a different building than you because your friend needs you and it feels like a very grown-up thing to do. “Don’t be,” you tell Phil, “Just remember not to eat the cafeteria food.”

That manages to put a smile on Phil’s face which is good because that’s what you were going for. “Uck,” he says, his nose crinkling in distaste. “Never in a million years.”

IV

You’re ten now and Phil is thirteen and he’s sitting front row of the school’s auditorium. You know because you’ve checked about fifty million times from behind the curtain, even though the director told you that you shouldn’t peek out from behind the curtain. It’s okay though because Phil’s only caught you once, and you’re certain that he won’t tell anyone.

Today’s a very big day for you. This is your first part in a play. You’re playing Benvolio in Romeo and Juliet. Sure, it’s not the biggest part in the play, but it’s still bigger than most people get in their first role, and you’re extremely grateful. The director says that she can see you doing great things. She thinks you’re an amazing actor. You just hope she’s right.

You feel insanely nervous when the curtain opens, and you scan the audience. In all of the rows sit unfamiliar faces. Your parents couldn’t make it. Your dad is busy working and your mum is caring for your younger brother, and you suppose you would have been angry if it hadn’t been for Phil, sitting in the front row. He gives you a goofy smile and a sly thumb’s up so that no one notices, but you appreciate it.

With Phil watching and supporting you, you go and say your lines to a full auditorium. When you go to bow at the end, everyone claps and Phil screams, “Yeah, Dan!” It makes you feel embarrassed and your cheeks turn red, but you appreciate him for supporting you.

V

You’re starting secondary school now instead of Phil. The two of you walk to school together like you do every morning, but instead of you walking to your primary school building, you go inside with Phil.

He introduces you to his friend Chris during lunch. Chris is Phil’s age, and he’s really sarcastic, but he’s funny, and you think it’s really cool that you now have two friends in year ten instead of just one. Phil’s still your best friend, though. He always will be.

You tell this to Phil later, once Chris has left, because you don’t want to be rude to one of Phil’s friends. Phil asks if he can tell you a secret and when you say yes, he tells you that you’ll always be his best friend too. It’s really cool to have one of your best friends say that you’re his best friend too. It’s like being told someone you love loves you back.

VI

You’re fourteen and you’re fucked because you’re gay and you’re gay for Phil.

Yeah, Phil, your straight best friend who’s seventeen and leaving for university soon, and you can’t tell him because if you do tell him, he’ll go off to university thinking that you’re a freak and he’ll hate you and you’ll fuck up the only friend you’ve ever had. Good job, Dan, you tell yourself, you’ve fucked up the only thing left in your life that was worth not fucking up.

You decide to go to Phil’s house and hang out in his bedroom until he gets home. Maybe when he does you two can play on his Playstation or you can watch Buffy and you’ll just get over the whole being gay thing.

You break in through Phil’s window, something you’ve gotten very skilled at doing, because you know he won’t mind, and instantly your whole plan to get over being gay dissolves because Phil’s room is so familiar and comforting and it’s home and you’re crying, fuck, you’re crying on Phil’s bed.

You must fall asleep at some point because the next thing you know, Phil is waking you up gently, like he does everything with you, gently. “Are you okay, Dan?” And then you’re sitting up and crying and he hugs you. It’s exactly like you’re five in the courtyard again except it’s not because he’s not eight and you’re not five and when you tell him why you’re crying he’ll hate you.

But you look up, into blue eyes that are so full of concern that you feel like you can tell him anything and you smile brokenly and whisper, “I’m gay.”

And then he’s kissing you and it shouldn’t have surprised you that he knew because he always knows. It’s gentle,  and when he pulls away he flashes you a goofy smile and whispers back, “Surprise?”

You fall asleep that night wrapped up in his arms, and you don’t realize it, but you’ll spend a lot more nights like this, tangled up in him, your boyfriend. In that moment, everything feels right and you’re happier than you think you ever will be.

VII

You tell your parents you’re gay with Phil right beside you, holding your hand.

You’re not sure how it’ll go down, but you feel calmer knowing that your boyfriend is a warm, firm presence beside you. He told you before you two did this that he didn’t want to keep your relationship from anyone, and you agreed. And so you two made the hardest decision you could. Telling your parents.

Telling Phil’s mum had been easy, like the both of you had expected it would. She smiled at the two of you and told Phil that she loved him and that he couldn’t have picked a better boyfriend and Phil smiled at you like you had built the world or were Sarah Michelle Gellar and said, “I know.”

Your mum reacts like you hoped she would. She pulls you into a hug and tells you that she’ll always love and accept you and kisses Phil’s cheek. Phil squeezes your hand in reassurance. You can feel your pulse racing and you feel warm, and the only thing keeping you from passing out is Phil.

Your dad’s reaction is different than you expected, but not unwanted. He reaches out towards Phil, and Phil takes his hand away from yours to take your dad’s. Your dad shakes his hand once and then drops it and says, “Welcome to the family, son.”

You feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders and you smile at Phil. You want nothing more than to kiss him in this moment, but you opt instead for hugging him. Phil is awkwardly taller than you, and so his head rests on top of yours. He kisses the top of your head and whispers, “It’ll all be okay, Dan.”

And yeah. It’ll all be okay, as long as he’s beside you.

VIII

Phil drives you to his university to help him unpack.

He’s attending the University of York in Heslington and he’s studying English language and linguistics, which sounds really long and complicated and exactly like Phil, because Phil is complicated. And the drive from Berkshire to Heslington is only three hours, and you can take the bus there, but it was better when Phil was just around the corner and you could break into his bedroom to cuddle and for three hour breakfasts. Still, you always tell Phil to go after his dreams, and if this is his dream then you’re happy to let him go.

His university dorm room is small and he has to share with other people, but when he adds some posters and his iconic sheets to his side of the room, it begins to look a little more Phil-like. You’ve been sitting on the bed the entire time watching him, and when he’s done, Phil flops down on the bed next to you. You look down at Phil and wait for him to speak.

He finally moves his arm away from his position over his eyes and he looks at you and he repeats his words from when he started secondary school all those years ago. “Dan,” he says, “I’m extremely terrified.”

But this time, you’re not seven, and despite how much your boyfriend needs you, you can’t be grown-up. “I know,” you answer in response, collapsing against his chest. This time, your boyfriend will be exactly three hours and fourty-three minutes away from you and you’re only fifteen and there’s nothing you can do. “So am I,” you say after a while, and though he hasn’t said anything for at least fifteen minutes, he understands.

IX

You’re sixteen when you realize that fuck, you’re in love with Phil.

You can’t believe that you’ve been dating Phil for two years without the thought ever crossing your mind, and that weekend, you buy a train ticket to Heslington and you’re on your way to surprise Phil.

It’s two in the morning when you finally arrive at the university and you’re really starting to wish that you had texted Phil to warn him earlier because you’re pretty sure he’s asleep and you have no idea where else you would go. But then you finally find the dorm room that’s his and you knock on the door and pray that he’s in there and not asleep and that his roommate doesn’t answer and there’s about a million other things that could go wrong and you’re just praying that they don’t.

But then the gods have mercy on you because Phil answers. You immediately feel bad because he looks so tired, but he also looks so cute in his adorable Pacman shirt and his glasses and he hasn’t shaved so his face has stubble and you forget to talk so he talks first. “Dan, what-”

But then you remember to talk and you blurt out, “I love you,” in the middle of his sentence, and you would have felt worse if you hadn’t just said something that needed to be said.

He doesn’t say it back, but he doesn’t need to because you know in the way that he smiles at you. “Do you want to sleep here?” He asks, opening the door to let you in because he already knows that your answer’s going to be yes.

In the morning, the sun is shining in through the tiny window in Phil’s dorm room. He’s snoring and his arm is blocking you from moving and you kind of have to piss but none of that matters. This, you say to yourself, this is how you want it to be one day. One day, you want to wake up every single morning like this. Not with the light in your eyes or Phil snoring obnoxiously or with the urge to pee, but wrapped up in the arms of the man you love.

Love. What a complicated thing for such a complicated man.

X

It’s a few weeks later and you’re in bed with him.

His roommate isn’t around and he’s so gentle when he kisses you and asks, “Is this alright?” That’s one thing that you’ll always love about Phil. He’s always so gentle with you, like you’re a doll that’ll break if he treats you too roughly. Perhaps Phil understands something that you don’t.

However, there’s an ache in your chest. This is the first time you feel it. When he kisses you, there’s a spark, but when he calls you his brilliant boyfriend, there’s something missing in his words that he doesn’t realize. You can’t place it, but something’s off about the way he says it. But you’d never tell him that. You’re too afraid.

When he falls over the edge of pleasure with you, when he sleepily kisses you goodnight, and he says, “I love you, Dan,” you say it back. But, you realize as he’s asleep and you’re wide awake in his embrace, something feels weird.

XI

You don’t have any time to dwell on the weird feeling though because you’re eighteen and it’s September and it’s time to decide what you want to study in university.

You really want to get a master of arts degree, but all of your friends, who you will realize later on were never really your friends at all, say that very few people get far with acting school, and you do want to be successful. Phil tells you that it’s a wonderful idea and that you should pursue it, but just as you’re about to sign up for your first class, a voice in the back of your head tells you that you’ll never really be a successful actor and you agree with it.

You ultimately sign up for law at Manchester University. You’re about two hours closer to Phil but you’re still an hour and fourty-three minutes apart.

This time, Phil drives you to your dorm room and helps you set it up. It’s small and brown and resembles a prison cell, and even when you put posters up and replace the sheets on your bed with your own, it doesn’t look like you.

Phil sits on your bed next to you and you look up at him. Phil has his life all figured out and you feel like your life is falling apart. Still, you muster up a smile for him and kiss him and say, “I’m quite excited.”

He smiles back at you, and weirdly enough, his smile looks fake as well. “I can tell when you’re lying,” he said simply, and you said nothing to dispute him.

XII

You’re sat in front of your laptop and iMovie is pulled up.

You know it isn’t that big of a deal. You’ve had a YouTube account and you’ve been watching Phil’s videos for as long as you can remember. You’re not exactly camera shy, either. You’ve had a lot of roles in a lot of plays since you’ve been ten years old. And so you’re not exactly sure why you’re so scared.

Maybe it’s that feeling in your stomach. The feeling that you’ve been trying to push down, that something wasn’t really quite right with you. You’re sure there’s a word for it, but you don’t want to Google it. You hope that maybe if you don’t think about it, it’ll just go away on it’s own.

You turn on your webcam and put on a fake smile and start. “Hi,” you say. “So my name is Dan.”

XIII

Phil has an apartment with an empty room and he’s looking for a flatmate.

“I haven’t found anyone yet,” Phil complains to you. His arm is over your shoulders and he’s gently massaging them. Buffy is playing in the background, but neither of you are watching it.

In the short while that Phil’s owned the flat, you’ve grown to love it. You’re pretty sure that you spend more time at Phil’s flat than you do in your own dorm in university. You help him film videos, videos that have gotten very popular, not surprisingly. You knew everyone would love Phil. He puts so much time and effort into his videos.

What is surprising, though, is how popular your videos have gotten. Sure, you have less subscribers than Phil does, but you’re still quite popular. In fact, the number of people that watch your videos occasionally make you want to pass out. Phil’s always right there for you, though, to support you and tell you that it’ll be okay. That you deserve everything that’s been given to you, even though you don’t feel like you do.

“Dan,” Phil says, breaking you out of your thoughts. You look up to face him, your eyes full of question and he asks, “Do you want to move in with me?”

You’re pretty sure that you’ve never agreed to anything faster.

XIV

You’re face down on your bed in Phil’s apartment, which is actually technically now you’re apartment as well and you suppose you should begin calling it as such. He’s running a hand down your back and he asks, his voice soft and understanding, “Why are you sad, Dan?”

“Because I don’t know what I’m doing with my life,” you mutter into the pillow that you’re clutching to your chest, hoping that if you maybe just ignore the bad feelings they’ll all go away.

“Well,” Phil starts, his voice semi-happy as he tries to put a spin on this the way that he spins everything. “You’re in university, aren’t you? So you don’t have to think about that for another two years.”

You turn and lay on your back so that you can face him. “Yeah, but what then, Phil?” You ask. Phil smiles sadly at you and doesn’t answer. He just runs his hands through his hair and watches you. It reminds you of a time when you were younger and adults used to look at you the same way, when they didn’t know how to answer one of your million questions.

And there’s still that aching feeling in your chest, the feeling of something being missing. In your depressed state, you allow yourself to dwell on it, but you just can’t quite place how it makes you feel.

XV

It’s the day before your exam so that you can stay in university for another two years, and of course, you’ve left all of your revising to the night before.

All of this law stuff is boring, and you hate it, but you figure that it’ll give you a nice enough degree to get whatever job you decide you want, so this exam is important to you. When Phil comes over and kisses your neck and asks what you’re up to, you tell him, (perhaps rather harshly) to leave you alone. He understands the stress you’ve been under, and so he doesn’t take your request personally. Instead, he retires to the corner of the room you’re trying to study in to play video games quietly.

You’re pretty sure that you’re overreacting, but it feels like Phil is taunting you. He’s laughing every once in a while at his success, and when you look over, he has a smile on his face. You watch him for a second before mentally slapping yourself. Come on Dan, you think, revise.

The words on the paper are so boring that they almost seem like they’re taunting you as well. You can’t pay attention, but you need to so desperately. You begin to quietly read under your breath, and even though Phil’s just quietly sitting, playing video games, it feels like he’s taunting you, teasing you.

Suddenly, everything that everyone has ever said to you comes flooding back into your mind. Every single thought that you’ll never be good enough runs through your head at once, in a constant stream. You start to read louder to drown it out, and you’re pretty sure that Phil is watching you, but you could care less because that bastard gets to have fun and play video games, and he deserves it because he’s been through all of this and he graduated and he’s incredibly smart and who are you? The high qualities and merits of these people, were they not otherwise manifest, shine forth clearly enough from this-

“I’M NOT DOING IT,” You scream, jumping up off the couch. You throw your papers on the ground in fury and you can feel tears welling up in the corners of your eyes.

Phil’s staring up at you, dumbfounded at this strange turn of events and he just asks, “What?”

“I’m not gonna do it!” You repeat. You can feel your fists clenching up in anger.

“What?” He asks again, his head tilting to the side in confusion.

“No one can make me do it!” You reason, and you know you sound like a little kid, but in that moment you could care less.

Phil sighs, puts his controller to the side of the couch and asks, “Dan, what are you on about?”

“That’s it,” You say finally, your arms crossing over your chest. “I’m not going.”

“Dan,” Phil asks carefully, so as not to set you off.

“I’ve had enough, I don’t care anymore!” You scream at Phil to get him to understand.

“What aren’t you going to?” Phil tries asking you, as if you were a child. You hate when he talks to you like that, and all you want to do is yell at him and scream and punch your fist through the wall and maybe kill someone. You know you’re being dramatic, but you don’t care.

Instead, you sigh and calmly explain, “My exam.”

Phil looks at you, still dumbfounded, “What do you mean?”

“I’m not going,” You say childishly, rocking back and forth on your heels. You’re on the verge of tears and you know it, but you refuse to let yourself cry in front of Phil.

“You have to go to your resit,” Phil reasons, and you just wish that you could make him understand.

You pick your papers up of the ground and slam them against your knee. “Not if I don’t give a fuck anymore I don’t!” You yell, and that sentence barely made any sense but you don’t care as you throw your papers across the room. Phil looks slightly terrified, but you reason you would be too if a teenager was throwing a tantrum in your apartment. You throw your last paper on the ground, and, as it falls, you let the tears fall from your eyes, and suddenly you’re crying and Phil’s up in a flash.

Phil’s arms wrap around you, and you allow your head to fall against his chest. He shushes you softly and you feel a lot better with him there, right beside you. “It’s alright,” he continues to whisper, like he knows that’s all you need to hear. “Let’s talk,” he says after a while, and he brings you to the kitchen.

He sits you on the counter and then sits next to you, and you put your head on his shoulder and grab his hand, and the two of you just sit in silence for a minute before he says, “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” He kisses the top of your head before he throws in, “But I really do think it would be in your best interest to do the resit.”

“I know,” You answer. “It’s just, every time I think about having two more years of university, I think about the rest of my life as a boring lawyer, and it makes me so scared and anxious. That’s not me, Phil. That’s not what I want to do.”

“I understand,” He says, and while you’re pretty sure that there’s no way in hell he could possibly understand, you appreciate the sentiment. “Well,” He says, and he pats your arm comfortingly, “How’s about I get you some chocolate?”

“Yeah, okay,” You say, your voice sad, and though you felt miserable, you were pretty sure it would all be okay as long as Phil was beside you.

XVI

With Phil supporting you every step of the way, you take a year off from university.

They tell you that you can take your resit the following year and then decide if you want to go back. While you’re pretty sure that you’re not going to do that, it’s nice to have your options open.

With Phil right beside you, you put more time into the YouTube thing that you’d just been doing as a way to relieve stress during university. Phil shows you how he edits, and while a lot of your videos look like his at first, you eventually start to gain your own style of editing. You decide that you really like making videos. It makes you happier than you had been in a while. You start to wonder if maybe this is what you were supposed to be doing. You started to wonder if maybe YouTube was your calling.

You get more popular by the minute. You have more subscribers than you ever could have hoped for. Every nice comment, or person who tweets you telling you that you managed to make them smile makes the hours of hard work that you put into YouTube worth it. You and Phil even start a joint channel called the SuperAmazingProject where you investigate paranormal things, and it’s pretty amazing.

And then, a representative from BBC radio 1 calls your flat. She offers you and Phil a radio show on Christmas day. She tells you that it’ll be a two hour show, and when Phil gets back from the shops, you barely have to discuss it before you’re calling her back to say that yes, yes you’ll take it.

You spend the longest time preparing, but Phil’s right beside you every step of the way, and on Christmas Eve you have the first of many Dan and Phil shows on BBC radio 1, though you don’t know it at the time. When you get back to the flat you share with him, he smiles at you and tells you, “We just had a show on the radio,” as if you weren’t there to witness the coolest thing ever.

With Phil curled up by your side, it’s easily the best year that you’ve had. The nagging feeling that something’s not quite right comes back a few times, but it’s small enough that with all of the work you’ve been doing that you manage to ignore it.

XVII

You and Phil are given a weekly radio show. The Radio 1 Request Show is now renamed the Dan and Phil show, and you get to host it every week with the person you love the most.

The first time you go in, you’re insanely nervous. The people who ran the show before you, Reggie Yates and Jameela Jamil, were both insanely talented. And though Phil’s never done radio work of any kind, you know that he’ll fit in. Everyone loves Phil when they first meet him, because he’s the most loveable human being you’ve ever met.

But the first show goes over amazing, as does the second and the third, and before you know it, you and Phil have been hosting the show for two years. You decide that it’s become too much of a hassle to run the show every week, and so, with the help of the people at BBC, you turn it into the Internet Takeover. You and Phil only host the first show of the month, and then you bring in other internet stars to take over. It’s a good solution.

A lot of other good things happen in those two years. You and Phil take off on YouTube. You both hit, and then go way over, one million subscribers. When you go out onto the streets, people recognize you. It’s almost like you’re famous, and you have no idea what you did to deserve it, but Phil assures you every night that you’ve worked hard for everything you have and that you deserve all the fame you’ve been given and more.

The SuperAmazingProject stops, but it’s soon replaced by something else. You and Phil launch DanAndPhilGames on May 2nd, 2014, and your fans eat it up. It’s something that you really love making, and you can tell that Phil loves it too, no matter how many times he complains about having to edit it.

With all that’s been going on, you don’t have time to think about the nagging feeling in your chest. In fact, you work so hard that it almost goes away, but it never completely does.

XVIII

The first time you see the word nonbinary, it’s left in a comment on one of your videos. One of your subscribers writes, “Love Dan’s androgynous fashion choices. Anyone know where I can get this sweater?” You’re not stupid, you know the meaning of androgynous, and you have to admit, you do prefer genderless clothing to strictly male sports shirts. You just add that up to you being a geek.

Someone links the commenter to the store where you bought your sweater and adds, “as a nonbinary person, it is so hard to find clothes that aren’t strictly ‘male’ or ‘female’.” And then maybe you are stupid, because you’ve never heard the term nonbinary before. You pull google up in a separate tab and type the term in.

You land on nonbinary.org, which looks exactly like wikipedia, and read the first definition that you see: nonbinary gender is an [umbrella term](http://nonbinary.org/wiki/Umbrella_term) covering any [gender identity](http://nonbinary.org/wiki/Gender_identity) that doesn't fit within the [gender binary](http://nonbinary.org/wiki/Gender_binary). The label may also be used by individuals wishing to identify as falling outside of the gender binary without being any more specific about the nature of their gender. You’re intrigued and so you start to scroll through the wikipedia page.

Below the main definition of nonbinary comes a list of different genders. You read them quickly, becoming more and more scared as you go because holy shit, that’s how you’ve felt for your entire life. You continue to scroll through the page, and must be for a while, because eventually, Phil is behind you. His hands are on your shoulders and you quickly switch tabs back to the comments on your newest video.

“Hey Dan,” He says, and the name stings, but this time, you know why, “What were you looking at?”

“Hey,” You say in reply, and you know that you must sound nervous, “Nothing. Just the comments on my latest video.” Phil can tell that you’re lying, but he doesn’t say anything. Phil knows how to pick his battles with you.

He kisses your neck softly, innocently, reassuringly, and you love him for it. “Do you want pizza?” He asks, and you look at the time. It’s nearly seven at night, and you’ve been researching gender for a few hours now.

“Yeah,” You say, and watch as he walks to the other room to order a pizza. “Hi,” he starts, “Can I get a large pizza-”

When you’re sure that you’re safe, you go back to the page and look at it longingly. You would love to research it more, but your boyfriend is waiting for you in the kitchen, and you don’t want him to know that anything’s wrong. With one last glance over the page, you close the tab, and push your laptop to the side in order to help Phil. With your laptop, you try to push your thoughts to the side. But it doesn’t stick this time.

XIX

Phil’s asleep next to you a few days later. It’s two in the morning, and you really should be asleep as well, but you’re not. Your back is turned to Phil, so that the light from your phone doesn’t wake him, and you’re scrolling through a tumblr blog about nonbinary genders.

Seeing all of this describe you so well is so frightening, and you haven’t told Phil yet. You probably won’t need to tell Phil, you assure yourself. It’s probably just a phase. You’re probably just tired. You should probably turn around and let Phil’s arm drape over your waist and fall asleep with your boyfriend.

But every time you try that, you end up back on your phone, researching genders again. It’s just so fascinating, all these different genders that you didn’t even know existed. All your life, you’ve felt so left out, so different, so weird, and now you learn that you might not have ever been that different after all.

You hear Phil shift next to you and you take in a deep breath in preparation to be found out. He looks up at you, squinting because he can’t see without his glasses and asks in a deep voice that would turn you on if you weren’t so scared, “Dan? What are you doing up?”

He takes your phone and you have a heart attack, until he puts it on the nightstand next to him. He pulls you down and wraps an arm around your waist. “Go to sleep,” he says, his eyes already closed. You try to sleep, you really do, but you find that you’re still awake an hour later. You grab his free hand and lace your fingers together. You fall asleep like that, but your sleep is a restless one. When you wake up, Phil is gone.

XX

The viewers start to notice that something is wrong.

You knew that they would. You’ve been avoiding social media, and when you are on it, most of the things that you post are sad. You just can’t help yourself. You’ve fallen into a deep hole with all of this gender nonsense.

You’re standing right in front of the mirror, and you hate what you’re staring at. You look too much like a guy. Your shoulders are too broad, you’re too tall, your eyebrows are too bushy. Instead of having curves like you want, you’re just flat. You can’t help yourself. You start to cry, looking at this monster in the mirror. You don’t understand why your reflection can’t show how you really feel inside. How you feel inside is nothing like this.

Phil comes in and his face drops. He comes up behind you and wraps his arms around your waist. You look at him through the mirror. You wonder if he’s ever felt the same way, though you know he hasn’t. How could he? He’s so beautiful. You don’t deserve him.

Phil turns you around and pulls you into a hug. And though you’re taller than him now, you still feel tiny. He kisses your cheek and wipes your tears away with his thumb and he gives you a sad smile and says, “I’ll have none of that.” He doesn’t ask what’s wrong though, and you begin to wonder if he knows. Somehow, Phil always knows.

When you feel a little better, Phil pulls back from the hug. He grabs your hand and leads you to the kitchen. He sits you on the counter and you two sit in silence for a long time before he softly asks, “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“No,” you answer quickly, even though yes, yes you would like to talk about it,. You want to make Phil understand how you feel, and you know that he would, because he’s the most understanding guy you’ve ever met and you love him to death. But you can’t talk about it. Not yet, anyway.

“Alright,” He says, and you know that he sounds a little disappointed, but he’ll wait. He’ll always wait for you. You drop your head against his shoulder and say nothing. You’re pretty sure that he understands regardless.

XXI

You’re pacing your room at three in the morning. You only use your room for clothes storage, filming videos, and for pacing. You’re having a panic attack. All of this gender stuff has come to a head for you.  You need to tell Phil, but you foolishly feel like he’ll hate you, and you can’t have Phil hate you. Phil’s the only good thing that’s ever happened in your life.

You must be pretty loud because the door open and Phil’s standing there. You feel guilty for waking him. He’s not wearing a shirt, and he’s dressed in a pair of pyjama pants that you’re fairly sure are yours. His hair is a mess and his glasses are crooked on his face. You look at him, your face red and stained with tears, and neither of you need to say anything. He pulls you into a hug. You take a deep breath, breathing in his familiar smell. His arms are tight around you, his head leaning against your shoulder. He gently kisses behind your ear, and you feel immediately comforted. “What’s wrong?” He asks softly.

“Nothing,” You answer, though you don’t know why you bother. Phil sighs, and you feel his breath on your neck as he replies.

“I can always tell when you’re lying,” And you know that it’s the truth. He, however, says nothing more on the matter. He continues to hug you until you stop crying, and then you’re tired, because it’s three in the morning and crying always takes a lot out of you. He lets go of the hug and says, “Let’s go to bed,” and you nod to agree with him.

He takes you to his bedroom and puts you on his bed. He climbs under the duvet with you and pulls you to his chest. You can feel his heartbeat, and it’s comforting. You fall asleep with him next to you, and you start to feel okay.

XXII

Reruns of the Great British Bake Off are playing on the television, but neither of you are watching it. Instead, you’re in Phil’s lap. Actually, you’re straddling Phil’s lap. His hands are tangled in your hair and he’s using this to hold you close to him. Not that you wouldn’t want to be close to him anyway. You’re the one who initiated this.

And you’re kissing. More than kissing, actually. You’re making out. His hand is on your back, gently holding you there, and he’s doing sinful things with his tongue. Even after all this time of being together, he still manages to make your toes curl and your head feel dizzy. Still, you can’t help but think that maybe you feel dizzy for a different reason. Maybe it’s the gender thing. The fact that by now, you’re ninety-nine percent sure you’re nonbinary and you still haven’t told the gorgeous black-haired boy whose lap you currently sat in.

You force yourself from your head, back into the kiss. You know that Phil can sense that something’s wrong, but he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he untangles his hand from your hair and starts dragging it down your chest. Your breath hitches, but it’s not good. This isn’t right, that Phil doesn’t know what you’re hiding from him. But it was so hard just to tell him you’re gay. How are you ever going to tell him that you’re not even a guy?

His hand stops at the waistband of your pants, and he plays with it absently. You take his hand in your own and place it on your shoulder before letting go. He pulls back from the kiss to get some air, and goes straight for your neck. He kisses and bites it softly, but not so much that it’ll leave a hickey. He slowly starts kissing down your neck, sucks at your collarbone, and you can feel his hand going lower again, towards your pants, but this time, you can’t keep quiet. “Stop,” you say softly, and then louder, “Stop. Stop, I can’t do this.”

He stops as soon as you tell him too. His hands drop to his side and he looks up at you, because you are still straddling him, after all, and he seems confused. No, he’s concerned. A feeling of sadness shoots through your body. You would hate for Phil to think that he hurt you in some way. But still, you can’t tell him. “What’s wrong,” he asks softly, and your fight or flight instinct kicks in and goes for flight. You pull yourself from his lap and run into your room, shutting the door and locking it before Phil can catch up with you.

You go into a corner and curl up into a ball and begin to cry. You feel like you want to die. You’re pretty sure Phil was right on your tail, and your suspicion is proven correct when he starts banging at the door. “Dan,” He says, loud enough to get through the door, but it still sounds soft. You know then that you could just go out and hug him and the two of you could go back to watching The Great British Bake Off and you would never have to talk about this. Everything would go back to normal.

But the thing is, you don’t want everything to go back to normal. You don’t want to have to keep going like this. You can’t keep pretending that you’re someone that you’re not. The only thing is, you have no idea how to tell the black-haired boy beating at your bedroom door. You know he won’t leave you alone until you come out, and you don’t blame him. Still, you kind of wish that he would go away. You kind of wish that you would never have to talk about this. You kind of wish that Phil would go away forever, not because you hate him, but because you love him and you don’t think you would be able to forgive yourself if you made Phil hate you in the way that you’ve started to hate yourself.

“Go away,” You yell at the door, because you foolishly hope that Phil will listen to you and back away from the door. He doesn’t, though, and continues to call your name and plead for you to open the door, let him in so that the two of you can talk. You hesitantly pull yourself up off the ground and walk over to your bedroom door. You stare at it for a minute, contemplating opening it, before you decide, fuck it. You have to tell him eventually.

You unlock the door and slowly push it open, and Phil’s standing behind it, and it’s suddenly not as easy as you thought it would be a minute ago to tell him. You open your mouth to speak but no words come out. Instead, you start to cry harder and he scoops you up in his arms. His hand is running through your hair, and his lips touch your forehead in a gentle, comforting kiss. “What’s wrong?” He asks, softer this time.

Something comes up from within you, and you can’t hide it from him any longer. Even though you’ve only known for a short amount of time yourself, you’re done hiding. This is who you are and you find that you can’t hide it anymore. And so you look up at Phil, comforting and loving and accepting Phil who’s just so worried about you and you say, “I’m nonbinary.”

To be honest, you’re not sure what reaction you’re expecting. Part of you expects Phil to push you away, to call you a freak. That little part of your brain thinks that he’ll force you onto the streets, tell you to never contact him again, tweet about how much of a freak you are, and just like that, you’ll lose everything you’ve ever worked for because you just couldn’t be normal for once.

Another part of you expects Phil to not understand the meaning of the word nonbinary or, worse, to think that you’re lying. To tell you that it’s just a phase or something you’re going through that you’ll get out of. You realize then that all of your fears, which you’ve built in your head, have been things that you’ve heard from other people. Transphobic, homophobic people. From that little voice inside your head. But not from Phil.

Because Phil? Phil just keeps hugging you and says, “I know.” And somehow, that makes you cry harder. Not in sadness, but in relief. Phil understands. Phil accepts you. Phil knew. And of course Phil knew. Phil knows every single fucking thing about you.

XXXIII

Phil doesn’t push. And for that you’re so thankful, because you honestly haven’t thought about things like pronouns or your name or how you want to dress. It’s a bit overwhelming.

You spend more time on gender blogs, trying to figure it all out. And Phil is so patient with you. He brings you tea when he can tell that you’re feeling bad, that your dysphoria, (which is a word you’ve just recently learned), is acting up. He wraps you in blankets when you look cold, and he can tell when you’ve been online faster than you can. He’ll shut your laptop and sit next to you on the couch and say nothing, and the two of you will watch an anime that you’ve been working on. It’s actually a fairly good system, you’ve gotten through quite a few together, but that’s not the point.

You look online and research different types of pronouns. Sometimes, you feel comfortable with he/his pronouns. Other times, when people use them, it feels like a punch in the gut. It feels like they’re sentencing you to a live forever as a person you aren’t. Pronouns are confusing, you conclude.

You notice that Phil tries to avoid using pronouns when referring to you. It makes conversations between him and others kind of awkward, almost laughable. But it’s also so sweet, how Phil’s trying to be considerate of your feels. It’s one of the reasons why you really want to figure out this whole gender thing.

You read a blogpost online that says maybe you should try referring to yourself with the pronouns you want to try out in your head, just to see how it makes you feel. You think the idea is kind of silly, but you try it. You start to narrate your life in your head, using they/them pronouns instead of your name wherever you see fit.

You’re aware that it’s kind of stupid, but it actually works. You find that you like using they/them pronouns for yourself. It sounds nice. It sound like it fits. And best of all, it sounds like you.

Phil’s crossing the lounge into the kitchen when you decide to tell him. You’re sitting on the sofa, on Tumblr, when you look up at him and say, “Could you use they/them pronouns for me?”

Phil looks startled for a moment, and you realize that you probably scared the shit out of him with the sudden, loud statement. But then he smiles goofily at you and says, “Yeah. Of course I can.” And then he crosses into the kitchen to make dinner for the two of you.

You love Phil. You really do. You appreciate all that he does for you. You appreciate how accepting and caring and understanding he is. You appreciate the fact that he doesn’t push. But in that moment, you care most of all that he’s making stir-fry, and that makes you chuckle to yourself. It’s such a normal thought. It’s a relief that you can finally be normal. You can finally be yourself.

XXXIV

You’re shaking when you press order. You googled multiple times to make sure this was okay, and you don’t exactly know why. Phil tells you that you need to stop looking on Tumblr for validation, and you know that it’s true. But you can’t help it. This is a big step for you.

You just bought a dress online. It’s not a ballgown or anything, but you were on Tumblr and someone reblogged a picture of a sundress and it was so pretty and so reasonably priced that there was no reason not to by it. Besides, all of the gender blogs that you’ve been on say that it’s perfectly okay to wear dresses and skirts, even if you don’t identify as a girl. Clothes shouldn’t have gender, they reason. And you agree.

Phil’s out at the shops, and you know it would be kind of stupid to text him, but you’re really freaked out about this. So you text him a picture of the dress and say, ‘what do u think of this?’ It takes him a minute to respond and in that minute, you start to really freak out. What if Phil thinks that you’re a freak? What if Phil hates you forever? What if Phil just thought this was a phase?

But then Phil texts you back, and his reply is short and sweet. ‘10/10 would buy.’ And there’s an emoji of a cat doing a kissing face and you laugh breathlessly. Even if it’s not intentional, Phil always knows just how to cheer you up.

XXXV

The dress comes in two weeks later.

You’ve been tracking it on Amazon relentlessly, and when the postman rings the buzzer at six in the morning, instead of pushing Phil go to get it, you offer to get it yourself. You get out of bed, Phil’s shirt hanging off of your shoulders and a pair of pajama pants thrown on that may or may not be yours and you open the door.

When the postman asks you to sign for a package, you feel your heart leap in your chest. You sign for it quickly and take the parcel from him. You close the door behind him and stare at the box for a minute. It’s so small and inconspicuous, completely cardboard except for a sticker proclaiming it as yours, yet you feel your pulse quicken at the knowledge of its contents.

“Anything good?” Phil asks when you go back into the room you share. You’ve dropped the box off in your own room, so you have nothing in your hands. Phil doesn’t have his glasses on, and yet his phone is in his hands. He presses it on and quietly groans at the time.

“No,” You lie, climbing into bed next to him. Phil’s too tired to pick up and the lie and so he just puts his phone down. He cuddles you into his chest and the two of you fall asleep together. Well, Phil falls asleep.

You can’t stop thinking about the dress. It’s just sitting on your bed, waiting for you. You wonder how it will feel on you. You wonder how you’ll look in it. You wonder if it’ll suit you. You wonder what Phil will think. Eventually, it’s eight in the morning, and wondering isn’t good enough for you anymore.

You worm out of Phil’s grasp gently, checking to see that your boyfriend is still sleeping. Once you’re sure that he is, you make your way over to your room. You close the door behind you so that the noise doesn’t wake Phil up. You strip of Phil’s shirt and your pants, and stand in front of yourself in the mirror. You look yourself over, and you’re not entirely sure why you’re stalling. Maybe you’re trying to psych yourself up for this.

You open the package carefully and pull the dress out. It’s just as beautiful as you remember it being online. [It’s a dark blue, and it’s covered with little white daisies. There’s a brown belt to go with it. ](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/112308584434736299/)You pull it over your head slowly, and you take the time to smooth out any wrinkles before you look at yourself in the mirror. Surprisingly, you look good. The dress goes to your knees, leaving your long legs completely free. You smile at yourself in the mirror.

You must still be really tired because you don’t realize someone’s behind you until there are a pair of arms wrapped around your waist. Phil spins you around so that you’re facing him. He looks you over before smiling at you. “You look really good,” He says softly, and his voice still sounds tired. “That dress suits you.”

If Phil likes it, it’s a winner in your book. You turn back to the mirror and smile even wider. You can see Phil behind you, and he gives you a fond smile through the mirror. And he’s right. You do look pretty good.

XXXVI

This is the first time you’ve done this since you’ve told him the truth and somehow, it feels like the first time.

He doesn’t question the skirt that you’ve decided to wear today, a long, flowing pink thing that makes you feel beautiful and empowered. He tells you that he likes your shirt. It’s new, and it has Kanye on it, and therefore you like it. His lips capture yours and you move against him with a practiced ease. Kissing Phil is something so familiar and yet, it never grows old. Sometimes, you feel like you would feel content to spend the rest of your life with Phil’s lips on yours.

But then his lips are on your neck and you were wrong because that is so much better. Everything feels so intense and good and you start to cry a little. Phil notices and stops what he’s doing immediately. He comes up from your neck and looks you right in the eyes. His hand is on your hip, rubbing small, comforting circles when he asks, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” You say, and through the tears you manage to huff out a little laugh. You aren’t crying because you’re sad. You’re crying because you’re finally fucking happy. “I just love you so much.”

Phil smiles back at you and captures your lips in another slow, passionate kiss. He never actually says that he loves you as well, but he doesn’t need to. You know. Of course you know.

XXXV

In conclusion, here are the things you’ve learned so far.

You don’t always know who you are and how things are going to turn out. Sometimes, you think you’re a surfer and you do your hair with your mum’s straighteners. Sometimes, you think that you’re a secret agent and give yourself horrendous nicknames that never stick. Sometimes, you think you’re an amazing actor. Sometimes, you think that you’ll never spend another night wrapped up in Phil’s arms.

You don’t always know where you’re going. Never in a million years did you think that you would have the life you do. Never did you think that you would live in London with your best friend and the love in your life. You never thought you would be a radio DJ, have a role in a movie, however small it may have been, and have written a book. Never did you think you would have over a million people love and adore you.

The last thing you realize as you’re falling asleep. You and Phil have just gotten back from Vidcon, and LA, and though it was amazing and the best time ever, all you really want to do is sleep for the next ten years. Phil has managed to fall asleep next to you, but jetlag hasn’t quite finished inflicting its hell on you. You turn your phone off and look over at your boyfriend.

Phil will never leave you behind. That’s the last and most important thing you’ve learned. Phil will never think that you’re a freak. Phil will always love and support you. This man, this person asleep next to you, will always be there for you. Your future is uncertain. If growing up has taught you anything, it’s this. You don’t always know who you are and how things are going to turn out. And you never know where you’re going. But no matter who you are or how things are going to turn out or where you’re going, Phil will be there, right beside you.

This final thing you think right before you fall asleep: You can’t wait.  
  


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